


golden

by katiecarothers



Category: Original Work, Prose - Fandom
Genre: Anorexia, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Forbidden Love, Love, Love Confessions, Love/Hate, Other, Unrequited, Unrequited Love, prose and poems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-10-17 06:38:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 50
Words: 1,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17555261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katiecarothers/pseuds/katiecarothers
Summary: A “poetry & prose” book written by me. It helps if you have read the “Putting the Pieces Back Together” series by me. This takes place with the same general characters, or in specific, me. It’s simply about love. It’s about not having someone love you back and is ultimately a great read if you’re crying at 3am with Lil Peep in the background.





	1. broken heart

**Author's Note:**

> even though this book isn’t just about you- i wonder if you can figure out which lines are.

you may

have been

the girl

with the 

golden heart

but you

will always be

the girl

who broke

mine. 

 


	2. bullets

she took

a bullet

to her

brain

&

it gave

me a 

bullet

to my 

heart.

_-that’s how it feels to be in love with a dead girl._


	3. iron

say it loud and proud:

i will not

let anyone,

male or female,

melt me down

to iron 

to make

themselves

feel 

like 

gold.

_-you are so much more than just a bar of iron._


	4. but you don’t love him

you will tell 

your parents

that 

your rapist

was your 

first kiss,

only 

to hide

that another boy

was your 

true love.

_-but it will take six years until you realize you do not love him._


	5. advice to my younger self

dear little me,

if i could 

give you 

one word

of advice

on love,

i would 

tell you

that your

true love

will come

on their own time.

_-so please don’t force yourself to love whomever._


	6. if they do not love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wish my younger self did not believe that everyone had to love her. In honesty, the world is full of a bunch of jerks and they will not all love you.

dear younger self:

if they do not love you,  do not fight for them. fighting is not always your best defense mechanism. 


	7. the reason you are called golden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just a poem to give the book a general altogether summary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t make chapter summary’s because there’s no point to writing something so short. I think my little poems say enough. Maybe they don’t mean anything to anyone- but they do to me. And I love myself for that. I find the beauty and the poetry in everything no matter how pessimistic my views mostly are. Thank you, enjoy the book!

you are called

golden

because

you are more

than iron bars,

you are not degraded

as copper-

you are the real golden heart queen. 


	8. i just hope she sees this (revised)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes the place once again from my original series “Putting the Pieces Back Together.” If you have read it, you will notice this has the same title as a chapter from Book One, Incomplete. This is a reiteration of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’d like to also touch on the fact that though this book is definitely not part of my “Putting the Pieces Back Together” series, it does take place in the same concept, scenarios, and heartbreaks of the book “Incomplete” And may even result in reiterating my other books from that series. Another important thing to note is that this book is not entirely on the “golden heart” person that is constantly mentioned in book one of my series- though it is hit on quite the bit. Ultimately, my goal for this book is to convince myself that I am enough, because in the end, we all are. We just don’t see that. So, using the tales of heartbreak and heartache, I do hope to make myself.. restored. (You’ll get that later)

but to be fair,

i do not wish she sees this.

the fair reasoning for that

is simply

because

she did not

deserve 

to read 

the ways

i felt

about her.

_-i just hope she sees t h i s._


	9. if you do see this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A retouching on the revision of “I just hope she sees this” from the “Putting the Pieces Back Together” series.

but if

by chance

you do 

see this

do not only 

realize

the things

you have done

to hurt me.

_-because if you didn’t break me, i couldn’t get restored._


	10. for my best friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Although this book is mainly directed towards being rejected, failed relationships, struggling with pasts relation attempts, etc. it also focuses on many other topics coming from different directions. With that being said, this book takes place of knowing your best friends can break your heart too.

dear best friend,

on June 21st we established that maybe

we had some feelings for each other.

we said that they wouldn’t hurt our

friendship. look at us now. 

_-what kind of best friend breaks a promise?_


	11. precious gems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This retouches the beginning chapters where it talks about loving someone who died.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Theres a random “1.” And I cannot get it to go away. I’m sorry.

she called me

her precious gem

and then she

killed herself,

taking the only

jewels

i had left

with her.

  1. _****_




	12. drug addict

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s actually a scientific fact that when you feel rejected, your heart not only “breaks” (damage to your muscles and such) but also makes you feel the same pain as if you are on drug withdrawals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Never fall in love kids, it’s a scary place to fall into.

most people 

begged me

to stop

taking

drugs

but they 

were hesitant

to realize

my biggest 

withdrawal

was when 

she said

she did not love me

anymore.


	13. “You do not understand”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It hurts when you’ve gone through the exact same thing and someone tells you “you don’t understand” doesn’t it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: RAPE.

she told me

i did not

know what

she was

going through

when she

was raped.

_-but i was quite sure i knew what you felt_


	14. 13 Reasons Why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just a little prose I wrote with a little inspiration of 13RW.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Mentions of death/suicide

i thought

you were my

hannah baker

and i 

was

your clay Jensen.

_-but i could kill myself and people would question if you were or weren’t the reason. so i guess that makes the roles switched._


	15. you don’t deserve this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You don’t deserve to be another name I add into my files.

you did not deserve

to be used

as my art.

you did not deserve 

to have access

to my heart.

you did not deserve 

an entire book

written for you.

_-yet here i am with another stupid poem about you._


	16. when you stopped replying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sucks to be treated like manure, doesn’t it?

when you

stopped

replying

it should

have been

my first reason

to stop 

loving you

and

to start

loving myself.

_-an ode to all the girls who treated me like shit._

 


	17. Your advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a poem about well, one not being ready for sex, but secondly, asking someone who you at one point loved, for advice with someone you do love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not sure how often this happens to people but I feel like it’s something I had to express so here we go

i had

to tell

my own 

girlfriend

that i 

was not 

ready

for sex

and to 

tell her

i asked

you

for advice

_-but to be honest i don’t even want to take your advice._


	18. too late to apologize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once you realize what you’re missing out on, I’ll be long gone from missing you, and I hope that stings.

when you

figure out

what you

are missing

out on,

i pray 

that you 

do not have

the audacity

to apologize.

_-because by then, it will be too late_


	19. the funny thing is

the funny thing is,

by the time

you do love me

i will

have already

found

someone

who 

always

has. 


	20. your depression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a poem about coming back or running back to someone when they want something or they finally think they need you, but it’s simply too late.

and now,

your depression

is coming back.

_-but don’t you dare find a way to come back to me._


	21. and i find it hilarious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This poem is about letting someone be your happiness when they obviously don’t feel it back and you finally realize that.

and now?

youre the one

who wishes

they could find

happiness.

_-and i find it hilarious that my happiness used to revolve around you._


	22. you cried & i loved every second of it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Revenge is a b**ch, ain’t she?

and then,

i saw her crying

and i didn’t think

i would do it

but i laughed

& i loved every second of it.


	23. your drugs, sex, & weed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about someone prioritizing their drugs and other worldly things rather than focusing on the person they love.

your drugs,

sex,

and weed,

somehow became

your priority.

_-you couldn’t even be sober enough to fight for me._


	24. your blog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about someone ignoring you. (:

and it

a m a z e d me

how you

could change

your entire

tumblr blog

yet i 

could never

even

get 

a reply


	25. i hate myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The world needs to know about destructive people like you.

everyday

i muster up 

another

sentence

or line

about how

you do not

deserve 

to have 

an entire book

written 

for you.

_-and though i hate myself for it, the world needs to hear it._


	26. second choice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about being someone’s second choice

and i could

very much

understand

why you 

would choose

your boyfriend 

of two years

over me.

_-but i could not understand why i was always someone’s second choice._


	27. 12:48am

it is

12:48a.m.

and yet

i still

find my way

back to 

the boy

who chose

his drinks

and weed

over our

love.

 


	28. dear princess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little message to the princess.

> dear princess,
> 
> though i will never
> 
> admit it 
> 
> to your face,
> 
> i still wonder
> 
> what you 
> 
> were thinking
> 
> when you 
> 
> took my colours 
> 
> & faded them
> 
> to Black.
> 
> _-but im sure you’re better and brighter to think i am no longer golden._


	29. how does it feel?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wonder how it feels to be guilty of stealing a queen’s crown.

how

does it

feel

to take

something

that never

belonged

to you

in the

first place? 

_-im still waiting for my golden crown._


	30. Relapse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A relapse on bulimia, with a twist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Mentions if eating disorder; mentions of bulimia

it is

amazing

that the girl

i fell 

in love with

became

the girl 

i puked

my lunch up 

for.

___-because maybe the more weight i lost, the more hope i had of you seeing me as golden._


	31. the worst summer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s quite saddening to think that so many girls (and boys too!) can be hurt over a relationship to the point they harm themselves and result to starvation, cutting, or other types of self-harm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Mentions of Eating Disorder (anorexia) and cutting

i starved

myself

and wore 

long sleeves

in summer time

but you

didnt notice

these things.

you only saw

the one

you chose

over me

until 

he let 

you go.

_-this was the worst summer i had ever lived through._


	32. my “vip” list

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Removing someone from your “closest friends” list sucks.

and just

a moment ago

i removed 

you 

from my

”v.i.p” list

because you

do not

deserve

that much 

attention.

_-and damn well you’re not getting it from me._

 


	33. loving myself before i can love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> because you can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself.

you taught me

not only

how to 

love myself 

but also

that i 

need to do that

before

i can 

love 

someone

like you.


	34. as if it were funny

i told you

about my

depression

and you

smiled

as if

it were

funny.

_-and maybe that is a reason we should have broken up._


	35. forget about me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about wanting to forget about someone but it’s just scarred there on your heart forever and that sucks

i want 

to tell you

to forget

about me.

_-but if i did that, would you even remember me in the first place?_


	36. 2/8/18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about a girl who killed herself.

yesterday

she took

a bullet

to her brain.

_-it’s been a year but it still feels like yesterday._


	37. February 5th

the funny thing about it is that on 

february 5th, 

i wanted to kill myself but the golden

heart princess found a way

to stop me.

_-yet no one was there for you on February 8th._


	38. late night calls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about not having someone there for you who promised they would be

how stupid

i am 

to call you 

late night,

crying 

over my

parents’ 

bitter divorce

and expect

my

former 

lover

to answer. 


	39. everything you turned out not to be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s so painful to talk to you because I just remember everything you turned out not to be.” -Bridgett Devoue

in my eyes,

i saw you

as a 

golden

heart

princess.

_-but i guess i just have to remember that  that is everything you turned out not to be._


	40. suffocation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We’re suffocating at our own hands. -Bridgett Devoue

you wrapped 

your arms

around my neck

like a noose

and called

it 

a necklace

for me.

_-but i guess we’re both suffocating each_

_other._


	41. love, Simon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is kind of some love, Simon kinda stuff

and anonymously 

i found a way

to keep in contact

with the girl

who broke my heart

but she

would change her mind

if she knew

it were me.

__


	42. true love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about dating someone who has been raped too.

when you turn 17

and your girlfriend

tells you

that she too, 

had multiple rapists

and you find out

that you have more

in common

than you thought 

this will be

your first act 

of finding

true love.


	43. throw up til youre thin enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Bulimia

and even though

you have 

a new boyfriend

and my girlfriend

makes me

feel 

restored,

sometimes

you still

find ways

to make me

feel like

throwing up 

until 

i am

thin enough.


	44. 2/10/19

today 

marks

one year

since my

ex-girlfriend

killed herself.

_-but i ask god everyday why i couldn’t_

_have taken her place._


	45. dear best fri(end)

dear best friend,

just because her life ended

does not mean

our friendship has to, too.

_-in fact, it is only beginning._


	46. the first boy to break your heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I bet you’re surprised it’s you, huh?

dear 13 year old self:

there is no reason- at all

why your own father

should be

the first boy

to ever

break 

your heart.

 


	47. throughout it all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about recognizing where the hurt began and not letting it define you. It’s about realizing you are worth more than gold, you’re made up of the most precious jewels though you may not understand it yet. I wish my younger self knew that.

throughout it all,

i hope that my younger self

somehow realizes

that she

is refined

with gold edges

and is filled

with precious jewels

on the inside

though she may not

always feel

that way

on the outside.

-throughout it all, you are golden.


	48. until i run out of feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just want you to know that book one was only the beginning.

i will

continue

to write

little proses

about you 

until i 

run out 

of memories.

 

i will

continue

to write

little proses

about you

until i 

run out

of tears

to cry.

 

i will

continue

to write

little proses

about you

until i 

run out 

of feelings.


	49. faded colours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You were red. And you liked me because I was blue. You touched me and suddenly I was a lilac sky, and you decided purple just wasn’t for you.”

and now,

all the colours

that have made

me fade

because of you

have turned

better,

brighter,

&  golden

because of her.


	50. Until I Am Golden.

i am

so tired

of you

degrading me

to feel 

like i 

will never

amount 

to anything 

lovable,

all because

you 

did not want

my love.

_-so i will continue to write_

_about you until i am golden._


End file.
